My 2020 Holiday Ditty

Santa Claus is now consistently blitzed

The sleigh is perpetually on the fritz

and the elves are demanding to be called little people

St. Nick can no longer take the heat

moaning "Jeff Bezos just can't be beat"

noting the North Pole ain't exactly a commerce hub

Just what else could go wrong?

Jeez, is that Rudolph smoking a bong?

and now he and his fellow flyers want to join the Teamsters

Santa can't tell Dancer and Prancer apart

yep, it's long past due for a heart-to-heart

for Blitzen's kibitzing with Vixen and Cupid's flinging daggers

The working conditions are extremely tense

buoyed no more by free myrrh and frankincense

Wunorse Openslae and two other elves have filed for disability

It was way past time for an intervention

or maybe a simple circumvention

is there anyone up to fulfilling Father Christmas' challenge?

Shouting "Whoa, red went out with the Cold War"

arrived that mainstay heroine of feminist lore

The only being who could rectify this Kris Kringle disaster

She's a far distant niece of Santa, this Santee

as competent as only a woman can be

but can she alone turn the tide on Yule's unfinished business?

Full of fire and pure impropriety

proud bearer of her glamorous notoriety

Santee was a ninja before being a ninja was cool

"Get me the addresses and names"

"We'll haul my uncle's butt out of the flames"

"Me and my fierce lady warrior Amazonias will finish the job"

There was no time to dillydally

Aboard came Artemisia, Boudica and Grace O'Malley

Little Debbie was in if no ho-ho's were to be served or uttered

Logistics being the entire key

Undelivered gifts equal outright blasphemy

Santee needed her wizardly wizardesses to step up grande

So out went an air force of drones apace

enveloping the universe's deep dark space

the deliverance of offerings on their way to the deserving

All the children received their fervent wishes

alongside the ranks of the blessed moral militias

for it's the choice of deeds and not waste-of-oxygen speakers that matter

Santee later checked in with her uncle

Him now imbibing only the nectar of honeysuckle

she wanted to know if his holiday wishes came true

"They certainly did my fair niece"

"I'm now clad only in blue-tinged fleece"

"Might I call you now the one and only Christmas chaffeuse?"

"No, this was just a one-off event"

"I'm now seeking out other discontents"

"You can rest assured future December 25s are in many good hands"